Random rant

Guess my posts have been a bit empty-headed lately. Funny by my standards, but I'll let you make up your own mind on that. :)

Thought I'd wander onto a subject that gets brought up a lot by a few mates of mine - the single friend being a fifth wheel thing. I thought I'd bring it up here because a lot of people seem to suffer from this syndrome, and don't seem to get why, or know what to do about it.

It's just one of those things, that when people partner up/marry they start neglecting their mates. Often enough their family as well, but usually single mates fall last on the list of priorities. By this, I don't just mean not catching up, often. I mean not answering or returning calls, never availing any time to see them and just generally pushing them away if there is actual contact.

Now, I've spent most of my adult life in one long-term relationship or another. No shallow type am I... or at least, I have this habit of getting swept up. That aside, my point is this: my single friends always remark on how somehow I've managed to stay in touch and treat them decently, when all the people they've known for years have suddenly dropped them like hot potatoes the minute someone of the opposite sex rocks up. For the record, your single mates will understand when you say you just want to spend some time with your new squeeze - lies and miscellaneous bullshit are stupid and unnecessary... unless funny. :)

There's this interesting myth that having a partner suddenly creates all the happiness in the world, and you need nothing else but that person. I admit, I have just a touch of the romantic about me, but this notion is just silly. Here's the list of shit we really need:

Sweet sweet lovin' from said partner
Friends
Family
Intellectual pursuits
Fun
Alone time (to allow individuality to remain intact)
ICED COFFEE

No doubt there's more (and perhaps not everyone agrees about iced coffee... which means there's more for me!) but those are the basics. See how they include more than just 'partner'. What normally happens is that the single friends you had are hurt by your insensitive shunning of them (this is a negative consequence) and subsequently feel bitter toward you. By the time you realise shallow crap with other couples ('oh, we should double date with those neighbours who we don't know very well and who have nothing in common with us, but who are a cute couple just like us!') has nothing to do with what you really need, the real friends you had have pissed you off ages ago and there's no fixing it.

Now, of course, when you meet someone, you do need time with that person. Plenty of it. But the odd ten minute call won't kill you, and there's no reason you can't take your new sweetie out for the odd night with the mates. If you're gonna get married or whatever, you'll have to include each other in the lives you've already got. I've always been a bit slow to do this (though the men I've hooked up with have always been in a rush), but I've at least answered calls from my friends and caught up with them from time to time in the midst of establishing a new relationship. Value this bit of time with your friends, and use it to tell them about what's happening in your life and maybe to reminisce about the stuff you used to do and probably shouldn't be doing now you're involved with someone. It'll save a friendship from dying before you come back down to Earth and realise you shouldn't have beaten it to death.

Then there's advice for the single friends. Don't be shitty with your mate for finding someone when you can't. Don't spend all your time whining 'I can't get a date'. It will invariably drive your newly hitched friend further away than they're going on their own. Ask advice, by all means - your mate's obviously got better tricks than you do - but don't be a whiney bitch. Beyond that, try and be happy for your friend. If they see you're on their side, they'll be more inclined to have you around.

Have patience. Budding romances are crazy things and the people in them can see nothing but each other. It's normal, so just weather it out. If you invite them out, add an extra friend so you're not a party of three. It gives them room to lapse into smooching now and then, and you can talk to the other mate while they get it out of their systems. You don't have to just sit/stand there looking terribly awkward.

Then there's the longish-term relationships that lead to someone being henpecked. No good can come of letting another person rule you. By all means, be considerate, but come on - you're still an individual. I've heard all sorts about this. Many who won't go out because of kids - like you can't take them places with you. Not the pub, obviously, but to the pool or for a game of golf, or whatever. I was taught not to be little shit under those circumstances when I was a kid, so I'm sure it can be done, now.

Then there are those who must be home at X time to cook for the husband/wife. For crap's sake, these people usually work too, and the other expects them to be the unpaid home help. It's bollocks! Let the bugger make or buy their own tea once in a freakin' while! Oh, and here's a good one - a woman who (even when he's elsewhere) won't eat a sweet because her husband is on a diet. Dumbarse.

Me, I've been with my man two years. If I feel like going for a drive or visiting Mum at 2am, I give him a kiss, tell him goodnight, and I sod off. If he wants to go off with his mates on a bike ride, or to play Mech Warrior, I don't care. We generally have the decency to tell each other when we think we might be home (or if we think there's an open limit on that), or if we won't be back for tea. What more do you need? We see our mates, we get together with each other's mates, and there's peace. Why do people need to be so stupid? Life requires balance.